Part 1
This morning, I could still feel it. The pressure behind my eyes, the hum of subconscious outlines calling out to me. People I pass add to the weight, the pressure swelling up in my head pulling me toward something. I’ve given up. I open my eyes to the world and walk toward what’s been calling me.
With my eyes open I see the streets hum with life. Pedestrians flooding the sidewalks in swarms, sirens and horns populating the background. Bass booming from cars rumbling the seats. I see it all, and with each person I pass I see the truth. Fear and longing, pride and greed, all depictions of little flaws in character. I see the manifestation of a man scared of crowds. He’s become a miniature figure walking in and out around people, scurrying like a rat to a safe tunnel. A woman insecure of being seen. Drapes of clothes bundle her to the point I can only see her eyes as she passes me.
Nothing is getting my attention, they’re all just flickering candles walking by but I can feel the heat of something strong. Something sharp, insistent, almost painful. I can do nothing but walk towards it, I’m drawn toward it. I ignore the blurs of creatures passing me. My body flows toward the energy pulling it forward. It hums at me like a beautiful orchestra. I barely catch glimpses of where i’m walking, the occasional street sign or building. It’s so blurred and distorted, the edges of sight becoming distant. The pressure in my head has become unrelenting, vibrating and pulling.
Until it grows. A sharp string twist and snaps. I can feel whoever it is near me. Then just when I turn my shoulder to my right I find the source. A woman. Standing, unmoving, in the middle of the sidewalk. Her outline erupts in a thrashing chaotic thrashes, then quickly collapses back into itself.
I take a step toward her.
I have to.
When I get close, her outline reacts instantly, not in motion, but intensity. It’s not clear from behind her but I can see the chaotic shimmer of energy. Two opposing currents fighting for placement. I have to speak with her and so I approach the woman.
“Excuse me miss.”
She turns leaving a sight that freezes me. A woman split into two, on one side a serene smile of hope, on the other. I see a twisted deranged horror. The mark is unmistakable. An omen of death. A terrible subconscious realization. When you have intense awareness that your end is near.
“Yes?” Her voice is soft but not timid.
“Have you ever heard of the story of the drowning man?”
Her eyes flick away, uneasy.
“Um.. no but I was actually on my way back home so sorry.”
“Ma’am, I’m sorry but I have to tell you. Your subconscious brought me. I’m very aware that you are going through something and need help.”
Her eyes snap at me, something sharp and guarded. We stare at each other for a long moment. She doesn’t flinch. I take advantage of the silence.
“The drowning man has been given the omen of death and unfortunately doesn’t have long. A traveller sees him flailing and fighting for his life. The traveler decides to jump in to try to save this man. The traveler that jumped in tried his best to help the man but he ended up drowning alongside him.”
I pause for a moment. Taking a breath.
“I know you have that same omen, but I’m the man that jumps in. I was born to help people like you until my purpose dragged me under as well.”
The woman doesn’t quickly react but I can see a stillness in the smile from the side of serenity. Unfortunately the other side seems more rueful than when I came, it shimmers violently around fighting to remove itself from the other half.
“Those are certainly um” she pauses. “ Words mister.. Uh— what was your name? Or do you usually give prophecies before introductions?”
“Oh..” I clear my throat. “It’s Kaiba” a flush rushes up my cheeks.
“Mr. Kaiba, not that it’s any of your business per say but yes I don’t have long.”
She lets out a steady breath
“I was recently diagnosed with a rare genetic illness and only have a few months left. Nonetheless, I’ve already decided that I would live for more, live the life I’ve always wanted too. Travel around, see the world and bring awareness for more people like me. Thank you for the words but I’d like to handle this alone kindly”
“You’ve tried that already.” I persist and bow my head. “I know that half of you believes what you are saying but the other half is pulling you back. Your fear is pausing your progress and you are breaking that promise you made to yourself. I am able to see the outline of anyone’s subconscious mind, call it a curse or gift but it brought me here to you. Let me share the burdens .”
Her eyes blink wide, the serene half softening into a gentle acceptance. The twisted side trembles, but isn’t lashing out. It would seem the eruptions from earlier are gone.
“..I..” her voice is low and firm. “I don’t.. I don’t know if I can.”
I take a careful step closer, slow enough not to startle her but take the space between us away.
“You don’t have to fight all by yourself. Let me share this burden, even briefly.”
She straightens her posture to be square with me. Eyes locking with mine now, it almost makes me want to glance away. “I’m not weak, Kaiba,” she says “I don’t need someone’s pity, I’m fine all alone.”
Her words sting sharply. A deep breath is all I can do from hearing the ringing that’s been slowly getting louder in my head. “I’m not saying you’re weak,” I reply softly. “But in this chaos—“
A sharp pulse hits me hard mid sentence, I glance quickly in my peripherals. People are swarming around us, my heart starts pumping fast.
I try to refocus with a cough. “Sorry my eyes wandered, I’m just saying… Company isn’t always a bad thing. If not for you, how about for me.”
She gives in. “Okay.. I’ll try. My name is Selah.”
I see her even more clearly now, both sides of her having come to a calm. She stands above the subconscious turmoil, her posture quietly commanding and effortlessly poised. Her hair catches the sunlight in soft waves, reflecting the warm brown of her curls. It frames her face perfectly, leaving her features uncovered. Even with tears welling in her eyes, her presence holds a kind of magnetism, not loud or demanding but impossible to ignore. It’s the kind of presence that makes you look, even if you don’t want to.
“We can talk later then,” she says, offering a smile. “Take my number.”
Part 2
I’ve been honest with Selah since the start. I’ve told her about the burden my sight has given me. The exiled feeling I’ve gotten since I was child even from my family. That hasn’t ever stopped me though, I was given a purpose but she just won’t listen.
I took a careful analysis of her subconscious and told her a remedy. “First we will start with writing out the things you would like to accomplish” but later that night when I texted her she hadn’t started. How does she expect to get better without action? Can she not see the vision or does she just not believe me?
No.. No, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. These things take time. Yes Kaiba they take time, we’ll just call her and check in. It doesn’t take long for me to find my phone. The screen lights up to a black background and the time. When I get to the call app I see I’ve called her a few times already today with no answer. I ignore it and tap.
A dial tone starts to pulse in my ear. One ring…. Two rings…. Three rings.. Four. Then the call gets picked up.
“Hello” an unsure voice speaks. “Who is this?”
“It’s Kaiba” I say anxiously.
“Kaiba,” a soft pause after she says my name. “Do you know what time it is?”
Admittedly the time never really crossed my mind, I’ve been walking around this street for a while contemplating my thoughts. When I lower the phone and take a peak, it’s close to 3 in the morning.
“Hey Selah, it’s 2:55 a.m but that’s not what I was calling for. It’s so good to hear your voice again. I wanted to know if you had ever gotten around to writing that list out.”
I hear audible movement in the background of the phone call.
“I told you a week ago that I wrote out that list Kaiba.” She lets out an audible sigh of annoyance “We are meeting next week to talk about the—
A sharp tension rises in me.
I can’t wait
I cut her off. “Let’s talk about it now and save time.”
There’s a pause after my words, an uncomfortable long pause. Gently I touch my cracked lips. I’m not sure if she’s upset or just thinking about what to say.
“Kaiba,” She breaks the ice, voice thin. “I do really appreciate that you care. I really do, but you’re not being rational. It’s almost three in the morning, I was in bed.”
I feel the edge of her politeness reaching Its end point. Through the phone I can visualize her discomfort. It’s hard a pill to swallow knowing that you’re the reason but not understanding. I conjure the courage to speak once more.
“I’m sorry Selah I wasn’t trying to upset you, I just want to help.”
“And I understand that. That’s exactly why we’re meeting next week. Have you been getting any sleep?”
Her voice is still a soft murmur, but the words tremble.
“Do I make you uncomfortable Selah” I ask softly, sitting on the cold concrete sidewalk.
She lets out a smaller exhale this time
“No Kaiba, we are both helping each other. We can talk more tomorrow.”
I hesitate to end the conversation, even when I know it is over. The silence between us now is getting thin, fragile. The pressure swelling behind my eyes beckons on me. It would be easy to just keep putting that same pressure on her. I just don’t wanna lose her.
The ache is so painful, it urges me to push, lean on her just a little more. But I can hear how tired and strained her voice is.
I swallow hard
“Okay, I understand.” the words feel wrong in my mouth.
I can’t lose her, I need to help her. My grip tightens around the phone. “Goodnight, Selah.”
My body feels small waiting on her to say it back.
“Night, Kaiba,” then the phone clicks.
Part 3
The wind is cutting hard today, right through my tattered clothes. I can’t stop the shivering from the relentless breeze. Only staying in the alley corners has helped a little. The cold is easier to bear but my head stammers everyday now. It’s been a week since my phone call with Selah and the pressure in my head has only gotten worse. It feels like my head is inside of a gong and someone just keeps banging it from the outside.
Here it comes.
I grab my head with both hands and fold into the corner, teeth clenched. A silent scream tears through me.
Bang. The ringing reverberates around my head.
Footsteps scrape the sidewalk near the alley mouth. I hear them but can’t open my eyes to see.
“Is he alright”
“Keep walking. He’s been there almost all week…”
Their voices drift in and out of the ringing, warping and stretching like I’m underwater.
“Should we call the police?”
“Nah, just leave the guy alone.”
I’m starting to let out silent tears as the pain still bangs against me. Then a hand lands on my shoulder. It’s heavy and warm. “Hey man, are you alright?” The voice sounds genuine and caring. For a fraction of a second, the pain in my head eases up, just enough for me to lift my eyes.
And then I see him.
His feet are out bare, long, with nails that glint sharply in the alley light. My eyes flash upward, and the rest of him is impossibly large, towering above me. Goosebumps seer across my entire body. Everything in my body except my mouth screams. This isn’t a man… It’s a monster. My lungs are heaving my chest up and down.
I try to scoot back into the wall but I’m already completely against it. My fate seems all but sealed at this point. Warped and distorted voices are coming from the man. “I’m not gonna hurt you, it’s okay.”
My hands scrape the asphalt, panic overtakes my thoughts and I lunge into the flow of pedestrians. I don’t think for a moment and just sprint, my long hair and baggy clothes flowing behind the wind. For a while I don’t stop, I can’t avoid the feeling that the monster is running after me. So I just run.
I barely notice the wall of bodies around me before I slam into someone
“Yo! You almost flattened me like a pancake hot shot,” a voice snaps.
I don’t see who it is because I look back to see if I’m being chased but I just see a sea of heads.
“You need to be more careful, sidewalks aren’t made for sprinting.”
The voice is playful, but a little brash. I can tell it’s a woman from the tone though. I turn around to face her for an apology but when I see her I’m dumbfounded.
Her face is baked with makeup in an uncomfortable fashion. Layers so thick it starts to resemble a mask. The rosyness of the blush is smeared across her small cheeks and red lipstick smears across her lips.
“Huh.. What are you staring at?” The voice pierces me, sharp.
“Is my makeup bad or something?” She adds.
Her face starts to warp with the words. The blush bleeds unnaturally into her skin. Her eyes flare up red with anger and desperation. The makeup melts across her face, turning into a mask of crying anger. I can’t think, or breathe. I just manage a quick, lousy apology before running around.
This time with my eyes open I weave around the mass of bodies but I notice the chaos. A man wearing a scarf that is unrealistically large, covering all but his mouth up. A woman carrying groceries appears in ancient steel armour, with not a single gap. It is impossible to see anything but her face. Everywhere… it’s everywhere!
People whose lips have grown thin until the point they don’t exist or smiles with no teeth or gums. I can’t escape it, I bump into more people but I don’t stop. The pressure behind my eyes is coming back again, ringing in my skull. I run until my heart is pounding and chest heaving harder than I’ve ever felt.
Finally, I spot another alley and slide into the city corner. My lungs burn, my mouth tastes like blood from the cold air. My chest won’t stop heaving up and down. I hunch against the wall, like a child bawled up. Preparing for the gong to start ringing again.
It doesn’t come.
For long uncomfortable minutes I don’t believe it, so I stay there but it really doesn’t come. I crawl on all fours towards the end of the alley and peer out. Then between the flickers of street signs and the nearby shops I realize it.
I’m close. I’m.. near Selah.
The ringing in my head has quieted now, leaving only a dull ache. My lungs still burn but it doesn’t stop me, I have to see her.
I keep my eyes closed during the walk and only peek when I feel I’m going the wrong direction. It’s easier to follow the path I know and weave around the people in the neighborhood. Each step I can feel drawing me closer.
Her apartment complex comes into view, there is still a dim blood orange in the sky from the falling sun. So I build up the courage to make my way up the stairs of the brick building. When I get to her door I hesitate, fearful of rejection. The feeling that Selah doesn’t accept what I need, the need to help her conquer her fear.
But I know if I don’t knock, the ringing will come back. So I do.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
I knock gently, still afraid of what will happen. Every second becomes a tense grip on my breathing.
The dark oak door opens.
Part 4
Selah opens the door and I see her beauty. Half of her soft face is glowing beautiful and serene. A picture perfect example of calmness and content. I feel warm and accepted when I look at that side. On the opposite, a crimson tide of chaos. Shimmers of energy fighting trying to escape from its own body. It brings me great sadness.
“Jesus Kaiba..” She sees the horror of me. “What’s going on? How did you know that I live here?”
“Selah please just listen.” I say softly. “The pulse in my head is growing louder and louder, the pain is getting unbearable.” Tears start to well up in my eyes now.
“Could I please come in?”
Selahs face doesn’t show it but her eyes reveal to me the hesitation. I cut in before she has the time to answer. “I just want to talk, that’s all. Then I’ll go, I just need that peace for a bit please.”
She lets out an audible sigh of pain but it feels like my words have worked. “Kaiba.” She starts. “We will talk and you will have to go but you must not ever come back to my house uninvited like this again.” The words are a blistering blade.
I nod in agreement.
The small woman leans in the doorway revealing a path for me.
I step in, and the warmth of the apartment hits me immediately. The air is so fresh and clean compared to the bustling streets. It still has hints of a coffee brew and candle wick in the air. I don’t even feel the ache in my head anymore. The living room isn’t large but the tidy openness makes up for it, the orange hue from the sun fall is still spilling in the sheer curtains. She has bookshelves lined up against the walls, some stacked with books but others plants. Her couch is a modest faux leather, barely worn. A small rug sits under her glass coffee table. I feel a bit of jealousy. Not of the apartment but the organization of it all, a clear opposite of who I am.
“Why don’t you take a seat on the couch and I’ll bring you some water,” she sees me standing awkwardly.
I take the offer and sit. From the couch I can see the pictures she has hung up of her travels thus far. A top view of France from the eiffel tower. Pictures of her on the gondola riding the canals of Venice. Aurora or Northern Lights shimmer in another picture in a freezing Antarctica. How could she have lived more than three of me could and still feel not at peace.
“I love those pictures,” She cuts in my thoughts. Then hands me a glass of water. She sits across from me and I try my best to imagine how she’d look if I couldn’t see her subconscious. She would be beautiful even in house clothes. It’s a painful feeling not being able to see someone for who they show you but for who you know they are.
“I’ve done a lot of research about your eyes, Kaiba, since we last talked.” I look up at her. “Well not exactly your eyes but what they see, the subconscious you know?”
“What did you learn?” Asking curiously.
“That the subconscious is like an enormous data center in your mind, that constantly shapes your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. It operates without your permission because it doesn’t need it. It’s as automatic as breathing and moving, you can’t control it.”
“I already know all that” the response is a bit more bitter than intended.
“I know, and you are able to see the outline that is created by this subconscious. Right?”
“Yes! We’ve already talked about this Selah”
“But have you ever looked at your own subconscious Kaiba? Have you ever seen a mirror before or your own reflection?”
The question does something to me. Freezes me. Puts a lump in my throat making it hard to speak.
“Um.. um” I mumble. “Why would I need to.”
“To find out who you truly are.”
Like a forced command I stand at the words. Slowly I walk towards the bathroom, aware of my movement intensely. My breathing is shallow and my sight is blurry. I pause at the door. I don’t know why I’m feeling this fear but it’s weighing heavier than any weight. My hand sets on the golden knob and twists. The harsh fluorescent light flickers on. When my eyes adjust I see it. A mirror hanging plain and large.
I stare at my reflection. For the first time with my eyes and see who I am. Utter Chaos. I am the drowning man. One half of me is a thin feeble ghostlike figure. Hollow. Its eyes sunken black empty of feeling. Fractures and splits in the skin are worn down and exhausted but it sits frozen. Like it’s been waiting to be seen for a long time.
My other half is a silhouette being pulled in many violent directions. The skin is drowned pale. Slack and gray, as if it was already dead. The fingers stretch and curl unnaturally. Limbs twist around each other, choking itself. The eyes are hollow again and all behind I see an empty black pit. A darkness that could consume anything. Then I notice the puppet master of my silhouette is my missing eyes.
I slam my hands against the edge of the sink, the cold of the porcelain bites at my skin. My chest heaves, I can’t catch my breath. The silhouette of me thrashes around violently, limbs twisting like broken branches.
“NOOO!” I scream “That isn’t me!”
My balance feels off, and I stumble backward, staring at the black pits of my eyes. Then I see it start to smile, mocking me. That can’t… That ca–
“THAT CAN’T BE ME!” I roar, voice cracking
I rush at the mirror and slam my fist into the glass. Shards explode under my knuckles. I don’t feel the pain, only the warmth of the blood on my skin, sticky.
I collapse to my knees, trembling, chest still heaving. Clutching my head. My heartbeat feels the thunder of it coming. Someone is about to ring the gong where my head is at.
The gong starts again.
Bang.
Vibrations of pain penetrate into my skull rattling me. It pulses. Louder. Faster. Relentless. My vision wobbles but the fragments of the mirror still torment at me. The silhouette stretching out its hand trying to grab at me.
“Kaiba, please you have to calm down! You’re bleeding. You need help.”
I flail my arms swinging at the fragments of the mirror.
“Get away from me!” I rasp.
“Please Kai—“
Her voice becomes an echo behind the chaos. I’m staring intensely as the silhouette twists and turns fighting to escape the mirror.
It does.
My breath stops.
The pounding in my head erupts.
I just swing as hard as I can, putting everything I can into it. I feel the impact of my knuckles on something. It’s warm and soft.
Not glass.
A small cry breaks behind the noise but I’ve already snapped. I can’t hear anything anymore except the pounding in my head and my shouts.
The silhouette grabs at my shoulder but it looks different somehow, my vision is blurred though. I shove it away
Something.. or someone hits the floor.
“Kai—ba” Selha coughs, holding out to touch my shoulder. Her hands are shaking. “Kaiba please it’s me Selah look at me”
I can’t hear or see. I’m on top of the blurred figure now. It’s reaching at me but I have my hands around its neck. My eyes are closed trying my hardest to not let go.
It’s scratching at me now, sharp fingers scraping my skin away violently. I feel the agony of my skin burning from the warm blood. I don’t let up, I have to stop this ringing and survive.
I have to help Selah.
Desperately, I throw all my weight into one more squeeze until it feels like the veins of my arm will burst from the strain. After one eternity of a minute I feel my grip loosen but the pain is gone. The scratching has stopped.
The ringing starts to thin in my head.
I’ve stopped shouting.
My vision is starting to come back.
Then I see the silhouette that looked different somehow wasn’t mine. It was Selah’s.
She’s beneath me. Silent and bruised. I no longer see the outline of what once was. I just see the woman I just murdered.
The woman who jumped in the water to save a drowning man. All I can do is weep.
The End